I hate being a disappointment. To anybody. It doesn't matter if that person is a family member or just a friend or a classmate, I just really hate the feeling of letting someone down. I don't mind if my own expectations of myself weren't met. There's this thing in Psychology called... something (lol) wherein a person attributes his or her failures to external factors. And that's what I do. And I'm okay with that.
But when it comes to other people, it's a whole new story. I mean, it's different when someone expects something from you because it tells you just how much they believe in you. And then you return that belief with disappointment. A big fat ugly disappointment.
Today was such a whirlwind. Four deadlines in the same day. I got three in, with one of them barely meeting the deadline. But the last one, the most important deadline of my academic life this sem, I couldn't meet. And I don't know why.
We worked all night. I edited stories all night. They made the page layouts all night. But why couldn't we meet it? People asked me the same question and I had no answer to give.
As I was riding a jeep to school, I kept asking myself what went wrong. But I couldn't point fingers. Seriously. Everyone did something and contributed something so why did we not finish on time? We slept, sure, but only for 30 minutes at most each time.
Then I realized it was probably my fault. I took so long to edit them darn stories that they finished layouting pages late as well. The thought of pulling down the grades of two other people because of my incapacity to do well is very disturbing.
And another thing, my favourite professor of all time will be the most disappointed of all. Not just in our group, but in our batch. To think, very few groups were able to pass their projects on time and they weren't complete either. There was only one group who managed to beat the deadline and give well-thought of project.
What will probably bug me the most is our professor's message to all of us.
"Class, I gave you this assignment weeks ago. Why couldn't you do it earlier? You know I'm very strict with deadlines. This is the first time that hardly anybody passed a decent project. I am very disappointed in all of you."
Of course it's going to be more heartbreaking than that. And naive little me will think she's lecturing me directly and telling me what a big disappointment I am, especially since she was also my professor in a previous class. *sigh*
And what will my parents say? :(
But still. I'm so thankful for my blockmates and batchmates and fellow journ students for making me laugh and forget about this seemingly huge problem for a while. I'll get through this. I know I will. I'll look back at this someday and laugh at the silliness of it all, for worrying about such a small thing as grades.